Former Junkfood Addict

Weekly Weigh-In #10

2008-03-17T14:50:00.001-04:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Last Week: 274.8
This Week: 274.0
Change: -0.8

Total Lost: 24.5 lbs

Mexican Food Mambo

2008-03-16T18:17:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I flew home for spring break! Spring break! Whoo!

Normally, airports are a time for gorging chocolate, bloody marys, and greasy food. But I did really good! A roast beef sub from subway with light mayo and baked chips. No alcohol. One plane snack instead of two. No chocolate. I was on a roll.

Then I got into my mom's car and she asked if I wanted to get mexican food. Why yes, I did want to get mexican food.

And I ate and ate and ate. Queso, guacamole, rice, enchiladas, tortillas, tortilla chips. Oh, it was glorious.

And I don't feel guilty at all. Spring break!

Free Pizza

2008-03-13T23:24:00.002-04:00

Passing up free pizza for lunch? Possible, but not probable.

Boy those 2 slices messed up the rest of my day. I made it under goal, but it was uncomfortable.

I'm going home on Saturday for spring break. I hope people notice that I'm thinner. Everytime I go home someone always says that it looks like I've lost a few pounds, but it hasn't ever been true. I think they have a very distorted representation of me in their head. This time they'll probably say that it looks like I've gained a few pounds. Who knows?

Do the right thing

2008-03-11T20:33:00.002-04:00

Distributing my calories more throughout the day just feels better. I'm less tired. I don't crave junkfood as much. It's easier to say no to the BF's french fries (or maybe just one bite of them) when I have my hunger completely under control.

I get nourished, instead of just fed. It feels good.

Weekly Weigh-In #9

2008-03-10T08:52:00.000-04:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Last Week: 279.6
This Week: 274.8
Change: -4.8

Total Lost: 23.7 lbs

Spring Break Count Down...6 Days!

2008-03-09T15:57:00.002-04:00

Woo Hoo Spring Break! IF I could flash you right now, I totally would. Oh man, I am so stressed about work and school. The idea of 8 days in my parents house with no responsibilities and eating their free food sounds so good. Plus I told my mom a few weeks ago that I am losing weight, and I think she'll be excited when she sees me. Enough other people have made comments about it now that I know it's slightly noticeable, and who knows me better than my mom? Plus, most of the people who made comments are my coworkers who are close to my mom's age, so there must be something about 50+ year-old women that gives them a sharper eye.

I have to get through this week...I have to get through this week...I have to get through this week. I will probably say that about a thousand times this week.

2 Month Healthiversary!

2008-03-06T21:41:00.003-05:00

Wow...two months. Awesome.

I've been staying under my calorie goal, but the foods have slowly been getting junkier and junkier. A tiny bit of junkfood is much worse than a lot of healthy food OR a lot of junkfood. A tiny bit of food sucks.

I've also been bad about snacking throughout the day. I went to the grocery store today and stocked up on healthy food and snack food. The difference really is having food in the house. I have groceries, I eat them. I don't have groceries, I order a pizza. And eat two slices. Boo. This probably has a lot to do with why I've been more tired lately.

Work has been crazy crazy crazy this week. Stress levels are way up. Getting back to the basics of eating healthy will be a good thing for sure.

Weekly Weigh-In #8

2008-03-03T09:05:00.003-05:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Two Weeks Ago: 277
This Week: 279.6
Change: +2.6

Total Lost: 18.9 lbs

Well the fancy new scale isn't trying to suck up to me like the old one was. I don't know if it was off for longer than I thought, or if I've gained weight. Next week we'll see what direction I'm really headed.

Even if it's being mean right now, I love the new scale. Hopefully it'll warm up a little though.

Leap Day Doesn't Exist, right?

2008-03-01T14:07:00.002-05:00

Last night I lost all control. No, last night I let go of control, and ate for dinner:

cheese fries
greek salad
a quesidilla
sweet potato pie

Good lord. At least I put down the tuna hoagie, right?

Spring break is two weeks away. Must not slip again.

When You Don't Journal Correctly

2008-02-29T15:29:00.003-05:00

I log everything I eat into fitday. I do it very strictly...even my diet coke goes in. Every single morsel get logged, and I use it to make decisions about what to eat next. Do I need protein? Low fat? Do I need fat? Low sodium? Etc.

Except last night, I forgot to log some gummy worms that I ate at work, and I though I had more calories then I did. So I went over by 220 calories, which sucks. Long term it's not such a big deal. But it ruins my streak, and I wouldn't have eaten that extra slice of pizza. Ugh.

First Non-Student Weight-Loss Comment

2008-02-26T23:38:00.002-05:00

Today one of my colleagues pulled me aside and asked if I was losing weight! How awesome is that! She is the first adult who didn't know about it who made a comment.

Awesome!

In other news, I'm down to one pair of non-jeans fitting pants. This would be awesome as well, except that I am close to broke and can't buy any pants for a couple of weeks.

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

2008-02-25T21:54:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you're out of them. I need a major grocery store trip asap. I won't get a chance to go until Wednesday (I've got class tomorrow night). I'm out of all my delicious snackages, frozen meals, things containing protein, etc. I don't even have any Jello 100 Calorie pudding! Good lord.

Weekly Weigh-In #7

2008-02-25T16:55:00.003-05:00

No weigh in this week. Boo!

Due to the scale telling me that I was anywhere from 255 lbs to 292 lbs, I decided that any number it told me would probably be a big fat lie.

I ordered the Tanita from amazon today. It should definitely be here by next Monday. So that will be good news.

I'm really sad about not weighing in. I need to know! And I'm nervous that I will find out that my scale has been whacko longer than I thought. My last weigh-in was 277...I don't want to be higher than that after two weeks! I'm starting to see the advantages of being weighed in public. Weight Watchers scales probably never break, and you're not responsible for any judgment calls.

Whack-A-Scale

2008-02-21T22:34:00.003-05:00

My scale is starting to go a little wacko. In the span of a few minutes it can go up or down thirty pounds! It's on a flat, hard surface. I don't do anything crazy, like leap onto the scale or anything. I have no idea what's going on. I know some scales can be a little off, but this is ridiculous. I can't afford to upgrade for a couple of weeks. Until then, I guess I'll just weigh myself a few different times until I get to something within 5 lbs of my previous weight. Very, very frustrating.

It would be nice to believe that I'd dropped nine pounds since monday and the 268 lbs it told me this morning was the real weight. But holy mother, the next minute it read 318 lbs. If it reads over 300 lbs again, I'm throwing the damn thing out the window.

My biggest fear is that I'll get a fancy new scale (I'm thinking the Tanita), and find out I'm actually 10 or 20 lbs heavier than its been telling me.

So on Monday, I'm going to see if I can get an accurate reading, but if it says anything over 285 then all weigh-ins will be on hold until I can cough up 50 bucks.

Back on Track

2008-02-20T12:41:00.003-05:00

So I had a blast this weekend. Three days of hedonism at its finest. Oh the Thai food, the Mexican food, the ice cream from the carton, and tequila sunrises one after the other. It was so great hanging out with good friends.

I put everything into fitday, so I know the extent of the damage. I'll be happy to lose a pound this week.

I am proud that I got back on plan yesterday. All of this will have been a waste if I don't stick to it. I was a little afraid that one weekend off would make it hard to come back, but yesterday was easier than I thought it would be. Back in the daily grind and all.

You know what was great though? I enjoyed hanging out like a million times more. I had more energy, so I didn't get tired or cranky and walking around the city was way more fun. I didn't lose my breath walking up the museum steps. Being in better shape made the whole weekend more enjoyable.

Weekly Weigh-In #6

2008-02-18T11:16:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Last Week: 280.5
This Week: 277
Change: -3.5 lbs

Total Lost: 21.5 lbs

The Streak is About to End

2008-02-15T23:21:00.002-05:00

A couple of my college buddies are coming into town tomorrow for a weekend of moderate debauchery. So that means that calories from liquor alone will probably be the same this weekend as I consume in food for an entire day. I'm going to try to be good, but I am not going to let dieting get in the way of having a rocking good time this weekend. Tomorrow will probably be okay, but Sunday is ::hopefully:: going to be off the charts. Of course, my tolerance is so low these days that I might only make it up to three beers before I check out on the whole drinking thing. Either way, I know that I am about to take a two day mental break.

I am going to keep track of everything and enter it into fitday. I won't be doing it all day long, probably one or two logs when its over to see what the damage is.

I am really proud of myself for making it 37 days in a row without going over. That's 10% of 2008 that I have kept my goal! And it will be 40 total days. That's a lot of days of eating right. Not enough to knock out 23 years of doing it wrong, but a damn good start. I like keeping the streak in the sidebar. There have been a few days that I wanted to go over, but I didn't because I knew I wanted to get to at least 36 days before I had an off day. If I can go about 36 days between one or two off days, that would mean I'd be on goal about 94% of 2008. Now that would be a 2000% increase over 2007. Holla.

After this weekend, there are two challenging events in the nearing future. Valentine's Day date with the BF, and spring break in March. I think spring break will be the tougher of the two. Going home usually means filling up on Mexican food. And no family eats like my family. After this weekend, it's back to one day at a time.

"Everybody's Beautiful...What kind of message is that?"

2008-02-14T23:53:00.002-05:00

Stephen Colbert interviewing Leonard Nemoy about his new book of photographs of beautiful large women is both funny and feel-good.

Leonard Nemoy thinks I'm beautiful...dude. Love it.

A Fat Girl on Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T20:04:00.005-05:00

The BF has finals today. I know, wtf, right? Who schedules finals on Valentine's Day? So we're officially celebrating when finals are over...in a week and a half. I didn't even think we were going to see each other until after midnight, what with all the mad studying he has to do. So when I got home to find him taking a nap, I was ecstatic. Last year we were in different states on VD, and I was actually expecting less interaction today. But he was home with flowers and candy--way better.

He's so cute. I told the BF not to get me chocolate for Valentine's Day because I would either eat the whole box or feel too guilty to enjoy it. But he handed me a small box of chocolates and said "I bought you three small boxes so you wouldn't have to worry about portions." Adorable.

Growing up fat, I never had someone for Valentine's Day. In college that wasn't a big deal because there was always someone to make out with regardless of the holiday. All parties were an excuse to get affectionate with friends or strangers. But in high school it was tougher to watch my friends celebrate and not have anyone. I know it's lame, but I love that I'm not one of the Valentine-less. Shallow, sad, pathetic...I know. But I can't change it. So I just appreciate how much I love the BF and how sweet and thoughtful he can be. I try to avoid thinking about how susceptible I am to paper hearts and mandatory PDA.

I know, I know. It's so vogue to say that Valentine's Day is over-commercial, over-hype, full of pressure, etc, etc. I tell my boyfriend I love him every day. I tell him I love him a dozen times a day actually. But just like our anniversary, it's nice, wonderful even, to have a special day to go a little extra. I love having an excuse for a fancy date. I love remembering being little and wondering who I'd be sharing these days with in the future and knowing the answer. I love wearing pink meaningfully. I can wear pink any day, but today it means something. Just like a beer on St. Patrick's day is a little better than a beer on a regular day. Or pancakes on Mardi Gras are better than ordinary brunch. I'm sorry, it's not hip to love sappy traditions. But I do, and I would rather enjoy the act or enjoying it than convince myself that I should be revolting against something.

My Hoopti's Back

2008-02-13T21:21:00.005-05:00

About a month ago my car broke down on the way to work. This happened two days into quitting junk food and everything. It was like the universe said "hey, lazy, you should walk more." The mechanic I took it to was super slow, so I just got it back today.

Dilemma: take the subway and walk three blocks to get to work tomorrow and leave at 7:15, or drive to work and leave at 7:25? Ten minutes of sleep or 7 minutes of exercise? $4.00 on subway fare or $3.00 in gas?

The lazy girl in me says "drive, dumbass." The newly energized girl says "get in the little walks when you can."

Of course, I can plan and plan, but it's a whole different story when that alarm clock goes off. 6:30 am and 6:40 am seem so different in the dark. I'm praying there's ice outside in the morning, so I don't cave.

Green Tea and Other Ventures

2008-02-12T22:03:00.004-05:00

My diet these days is so different. Completely delicious, but very, very different. Very little Mexican, Chinese, Italian, hoagies, taco bell, mcdonalds, etc, etc. Some of the things I'm eating a lot of are brand spankin new to me. Some are things I've taken forgranted. But either way, the fact that I actually have groceries and not take-out boxes has changed the whole look of my kitchen.

Top 5 New-Found Food Loves
5. Soy Nuts
4. Laughing Cow Cheese
3. Whole Grain Pasta
2. Tandoor Chef Frozen Meals
1. Kashi Cereal

Top 5 Rediscovered Goodies
5. Eddy's All-Fruit Strawberry Popscicles
4. Cottage Cheese
3. Almonds
2. Bananas
1. Green Tea

Weekly Weigh-In #5

2008-02-11T11:53:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Last Week: 285
This Week: 280.5
Change: -4.5 lbs

Total Lost: 18 lbs

Adventures in Plus-Size Shopping

2008-02-10T19:34:00.000-05:00

I went to Lane Bryant to buy new jeans because my old ones are both worn out and too loose. I was so excited to see if I was had gone down from a size 24 to the 22 I wore in college. But alas, I forgot that they changed to the new Right Fit jeans system, complete with its own sizes. I bought some jeans that look fabulous. But my new Blue3 is not as satisfying as seeing a 22 or 20, or knowing that I'm still a 24. I know I could have tried on other pants there, but even when I was a 22 I was anywhere from a 20 to a 24 in the other styles. Nothing is as consistant as Lane Bryant jeans, or I guess as they used to be.

I found a chart that converts from normal sizes to right fit sizes. It says that my new jeans are a 20. I think that they are more form fitting that I would have bought in the old style, so I still have no idea. Oh well, at least I have rocking jeans.

There were a whole lot of little reasons why I finally started this journey, but one of them was that my size 24 jeans were getting snug. So now that I'm probably down a size, and those jeans are too big, it feels so good.

Oh, and I found a jean jacket! With the world overflowing with jean jackets, you would think this wouldn't be a 23 year mission. Yet, every jean jacket I've ever found has made my shoulders look broader than the hulks, and was always too long so I looked all frumpy. This jean jacket is sleek, cute, and cute perfectly. And it's a 14/16...a size I mysteriously grew out of sometime last year.

So if my jeans are roughly a size 22 and my tops are back to a 14/16, then I am officially back to my sizes from college. I was a 20 and 14/16 in high school. Once I get past that, it's all virgin territory.

A Love Letter

2008-02-09T17:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Black Polar F6,

Before I found you, I spent year of my life working out for two weeks at a time, going really hard, and feeling like I wasn't going hard enough. So I'd quit.

I was lost. Until I found you. Now I know how hard I'm working. And it doesn't matter that the girl on the next treadmill is proving that she can outrun a pack of dogs. My 3 mph is just right for me. Without you, I never would have known that.

You let me turn regular walks into exercise...telling me to step it up just a little so that I'm in the zone. My zone.

Thank you for your dedication and cute display. Over the next few weeks, I hope we can get to know each other even better. I'm ready to take it to the next level--the pool. I don't let many people see me in a bathing suit, but I know you'll treat me right.

With every beat of my heart,
FJA

It's All Good

2008-02-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night was not good, not good at all. Obviously. It was a combination of real world factors colliding...me feeling bad and alone in the world. But you know what, all my problems in the world do not exist because I am fat. Some of my problems have to do with being fat, and some have to do with other stuff. It's easy to get depressed about one area of your life, and then let it spill over into the others, and then all of a sudden Bam! Everything sucks.

Staying home of Wednesday for court made me feel like a complete idiot. It just festered, and then I felt like a complete idiot about life in general. But I'm not a complete idiot. I am awesome. I am just an idiot about some things.

Thursday morning I was fine. Dandy. Back to feeling better about life than I have since college. Oh, if only I could spend my adult life as happy as a college student, sans the drama and all the pizza. But oh, the pizza was good!

So not to make you worry (though I don't know who "you" would be, or even if there is a "you" per se), I am happy as a hippo trying to become a zebra could ever be.

Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh

2008-02-06T23:56:00.000-05:00

Ugh...that's how I've been feeling tonight. I know it has to do with a couple of specific things that set it off, but the emotions wouldn't have swelled and held if they weren't based in some history.

So I want to lose weight. A lot of weight. I am totally committed to doing is slowly, smartly, with fitness and a good diet.

Making the decision to do what is right for me is gratifying. I am beyond happy that I am doing this.

But, that doesn't change the fact that deciding to do this means admitting something that I know but hate to think about: everyone who knows me thinks of me as fat.

Duh, right? But it's so easy to go around knowing your fat, but thinking that people don't care. I'm nice, smart, outgoing, funny, and talented (all the major signs of a fat girl). Day to day, it's easy to pretend that this is what people see when they look at me.

But it isn't. They see a fat girl. And if they get to know me, they discover that I'm not awful or terrible or boring. But I'm still fat. And if they don't get to know me, then I'm just the fat girl. And admitting that I want to lose weight means admitting that I'm a fat girl. The kind who is so fat that she has to lose almost half of her body weight to be considered healthy. It means admitting that the carefully constructed self-image I've been cultivating was designed to protect me from this. And I can't protect myself from the truth and try to lose weight at the same time.

I love who I am, and who I am is the product of an intelligent girl dealing with being fat and creating a niche for herself. If I had grown up skinny, I'd be entirely different. I'd do different things, have different friends, and maybe have different goals. Not better by any means, but different.

I love myself and I want to do this. But I want to live in a world where people love me and don't care whether I do it or not because it has no bearing on their opinion of me. Because how fat or thin I am is not relevant to just knowing me.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

1 Month Healthiversary!

2008-02-06T12:47:00.000-05:00

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of my trek into a healthy lifestyle. You may be wondering how I've decided to celebrate on this wonderful day? By going to traffic court. Yikes! I just got back, and now I owe $300. Good god. At least I can start a payment plan.
This just makes me happier that I decided to do this, because I definitely would have woken up groggy and pissed if my mood wasn't generally lighter these days.

Other ways I've benefited (besides the weight loss):
-Take-out places are trembling in fear knowing they've lost my nightly meal money
-I feel more alert all the time
-I've only felt unfulfilled once even though I'm eating way less calories
-I've learned a ton about how the human body actually works (why didn't we learn any of this in health class?)
-I've discovered a lot of new foods that I love
-I've visited my grocery store more times in the last month than in the entire previous year
-The BF's doing it too, so I have a team!
-I've rediscovered the comfort of sports bras and track pants
-I love my new gym
-I love resistance training!
-I'm not tired in the afternoons
-I found a ton of great blogs to read

Negatives:
-I miss Chipotle (1395 calories, what?)

So, yes, I'm really, really happy that I've started doing this. It's seriously altered how I feel about my life. Plus, I like having more energy that I did before. I couldn't and wouldn't have done it if were not for the internet. How did people lose weight before the ubiquitous free exchange of knowledge and ideas?

One other bit of news. Yesterday I wore a pair of gray pants and a sweater to work. They felt a little loose, but they still fit. One of my students, however, felt differently. He told me, "you look sloppy. Don't wear those clothes no more. They don't fit you, they too baggy now."

He went on to say that he remembered me wearing them before, but they didn't fit me anymore. (I'm not a very "baggy" dresser, and they weren't baggy in December). A round-about compliment from a teenager is a big deal when you're the teacher, so I'll take what I can get.

It's strange how perceptive kids are (perceptive/judgmental, they are teenagers!). About a week after I started eating better, I got a lot of compliments that I looked like I'd lost weight. Now, I think this was influenced by two different things:

1. They think of me as bigger than I am in general
2. I looked happier and healthier even though I hadn't lost a noticeable amount of weight.

Oh the things students will figure out instead of doing any work!

Weekly Weigh-In #4

2008-02-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Last Week: 287
This Week: 285
Change: -2 lbs

Total Lost: 13.5 lbs

I Joined A Gym

2008-02-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

I got a really good deal too. The district I work for is part of Global Fit, so my membership costs half of a regular one and I didn't have a sign up fee. But here's the best part: If I hate my gym, it's only 15 bucks to switch to a different Global Fit affiliated gym. I'm not stuck if something better comes along.

I picked this gym because there's going to be a branch down the street from my house is a couple of months, and until then I can use the one by my work. When the brand new one opens, I'll be more comfortable with working out in public and I won't feel like such an amateur. I got two free personal trainer sessions, and the first one is Monday night. Hopefully that will help, too.

And don't fret if you think that I'm just another January poser taking up the treadmill. Both times that I've been so far the gym's been pretty much empty. And I will still be there in April.

Dealing with the Ughs

2008-02-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

After my last post things have been waning between "I am good. I'm not hungry. I can do this" and "Oh my god, if my own fist could be a food, I would have eaten it by now." I ate an Eddy's all natural fruit popsicle (oh my god, they are my favorite). That was good because it was slow, cold for my sore throat, and it put me at about 2050. My goal on fitday is to eat between 2000 and 2200 calories a day, but I've been coming in between 1800 and 2000 most days. I thought that 2000 would be more than enough, but I haven't felt this hungry so far. I made good choices all day until Happy Hour, but it hit me before then. The two beers and the two pieces of pizza were not the best choices, but they didn't cause the intense hunger.

I was good until about midnight. I am sore and pms-y, so I decided to work out. I did 25 min. of resistance training, and it felt good. But the hunger didn't go away. I ate some cottage cheese, to put me at 2140, and now I'm praying I can make it to my bed without first eating it.

Is this going to happen every TOM? Is this going to last for days? I feel MUCH crankier than I normally would. If increased PMS is a sign of my healthier lifestyle, I might rather be fat.

Well, probably not. But I have a hunch that a king size snickers might solve this. Lord, grant me the strength not to find out.

Feeling Crappy

2008-02-01T20:06:00.001-05:00

Ugh...today is not a easy day for eating healthy. I have felt so ridiculously hungry all day. After school I usually wait for the students to leave, go to my main classroom, and eat some raisins before heading home. Usually a box of raisins does the trick. This time? Nope, still starving. Not the I-want-to-eat-but-I'll-call-it-starving starving. The my-stomach-is-eating-the-lining starving. Then I headed to happy hour. Two beers, which knocked me on my ass. At home the BF and I mutually caved to ordering out, and ordered a pizza. I put my two sliced into fitday...that brings me to 1977 calories for the day. I even ate 14 ounces of carrots before the pizza got here to try and ward off the desire to eat more than two slices.

It's raining, I'm cold, my classes did not go that well, I'm tired, it that time, my throat hurts, and my hunger is very, very real. Pain from my stomach constantly kind of real. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I haven't had a food battle this tough yet. Arg and ugh.

My Plan

2008-01-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

So here's my plan in writing.

Food:
Eat about 2000 calories aiming for 30% fat, 40% carbs, and 30% protein. Eat breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, and snacks and dinner throughout the day. Enter everything into fitday so I can see what I still need to eat and balance hunger versus calorie intake.

Cardio:
Minimum three times a week for 30 minutes. Four if I am feeling ambitious.

Resistance:
Every other day...minimum of three days a week...for twenty to thirty minutes.

Weekly Weigh-In #3

2008-01-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

Starting Weight: 298.5
Last Week: 291
This Week: 287
Change: -4 lbs

Total Lost: 11.5 lbs

21 Days

2008-01-27T00:12:00.000-05:00

I have read a lot, A LOT, of weight loss, fitness, and diet blogs over the last three weeks. Somewhere during this frantic reading I came across the idea that it takes 21 days to make a new habit. Well, today is day 21 of my new healthy lifestyle, and so I'm happy that it seems to be sticking. Three weeks without a chipotle burrito is pretty much a miracle in and of itself.

How's that for determination?

2008-01-25T21:57:00.000-05:00

I teach middle school and today was a party day. Normally for parties bring in enough donuts for each class, but there are always kids absent so I end up snacking on donuts all day long (chocolate frosting and sprinkles)! Today I told myself I'd only have one, but I didn't! I didn't eat any! Not a single donut! Instead I snacked on baby carrots and a handful of almonds. I feel like a champion.

Digging the Band

2008-01-24T21:18:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely loving the exercise band workouts. It feels like playing with a toy. A stretchy fun toy. Like a yo-yo for the body. Its sad that the exercises that I find really fun are either too intense for right now, or should only be done every other day.

Backsliding...Sort Of

2008-01-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

So I ate 700 calories of Lorna Doone cookies. No, scratch that. I am eating 700 calories of Lorna Doone cookies. This is a diet dilemma. For the day I've had 1305 calories. So these cookies put me at 2005 (I already put them in fitday). Now I need to eat more calories today. My goal is 2000-2100 a day to lose about 1.5 lbs a week. So, the cookies are not a good snack food. Binging on cookies is terrible. But it doesn't feel bad because technically its withing my goal range and they are like my heroin. Trans fat, bad. No fiber, no protein, bad. But I'm at my goal for fiber and protein. So I know its stupid, but right now I just don't want to eat 500 calories of broccoli and yogurt. I don't even know where I'd put all that food. But 700 calories of cookies takes up no room at all. I wish I'd eaten more throughout the day, but I haven't and now all I want is cookies.

Plan: eat and enjoy the hell out of them. Don't buy them again (or at least buy the individual packs so they're not so avaliable).

Lesson? I cannot be trusted with shortbread.

Working out has been going in two different directions. Resistance training is awesome. I love it! I'm doing it every other day for twenty minutes. I have a exercise band pilates video which is really peaceful, and there's a workout on exercise tv on demand that's a little more cardio-ish. Actual cardio has been hit or miss. Last week walking on my treadmill was fun, but I can't hear my tv over it. I'm not complaining, I got it for free on craigslist. But I can't watch tv, so I just have my iPod. Walking around the neighborhood has been really fun, but I tend to walk really slow on my own. Jumping rope was my favorite, but two 10 minute sets ended up hurting my calf, so that's on the shelf til I'm in better shape and lose more weight. I'm going to use the recommendations from Laura of Starling Fitness and walk a half mile 5 days next week.

All of these tiny problems have one thing in common: the first two weeks seemed easy. Now that there's some dilemmas and road blocks, I feel like more of a warrior charging through. This is going to be hard. The more I overcome, the more natural it will be to continue to overcome. It's been two and a half weeks, and I haven't been through a drive-thru once. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Weekly Weigh-In #2

2008-01-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

Last Week: 296
This Week: 291
Change: -5 lbs

Whoo, 280's here I come!

In other news, I am feeling the exercise band workout I did last night. I guess that's a good thing.

A Three-Pronged Attack

2008-01-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

So I've been eating healthy for two weeks now. Not a lifetime exactly, but a long time for someone who used to order out takeout every night. I've got a house of healthy food, a BF who has decided to do it with me, and a newfound love of the baby carrot.

I've started working out, too. I'm definitely not as good at keeping that up. So far I've walked four days a week for at least thirty minutes, but it hasn't really been cardio. I'm ready to step it up, though.

Today, I unveiled part three. Weight and resistance training. I picked up a set of elastic bands at the Target, and I did the video when I got home. They are a kick in the ass. I also got a set of 3 and 5 lbs dumbells as well, but I still have to figure out exactly how to use them. The goal tonight is to research the right way to work out with them.

Tomorrow I'm going to jump rope for thirty minutes. I'm loving this whole being healthy gig; it's way more fulfilling than Chinese takeout and a evening long food coma.

Rethinking Bridget Jones

2008-01-20T12:50:00.000-05:00

I'm watching Bridget Jones with the BF (he's never seen it, can you believe it?). I've always loved it because she's like me! She's overweight and she still gets love and sex and hot clothes. As a high school student, I looked to Bridget and felt like I deserve everything too. Well I know I deserve all that, even though I'm fat. And I have all that, even though I'm fat. But Bridget...she's not really fat. She's just a little overweight. Anyone who looks that good in a bunny costume should not be the strongest role model avaliable for overweight sexy women. I mean, go Bridget, but she's not really the fat icon I used to think she was.

Uhhh...gross

2008-01-18T18:59:00.000-05:00

I hadn't really appreciated how delicious the food I've been eating the past two weeks has been, until tonight. I just ate a Smart Dog, and it was just nasty. My boyfriend tasted it and said it reminded him of dog food, really bad dog food. Yick.

I fought the junkfood, and I won

2008-01-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

I had grad class last night. Normally on my way to class I grab about 3700 calories worth of Taco Bell. Last night, I grabbed a string cheese and box of raisins. I thought about the drive through, if only to quelch the desire by buying a diet coke. But the recovering junkfood addict stared in the face of temptation and said, "No, I don't need a crunchwrap, no matter how cheesy and crunchy it would be."

Junkfood: 0
Me: 1

Weekly Weigh-In #1

2008-01-14T21:18:00.000-05:00

Starting: 298.5
This Week: 296
Change: -2.5 lbs

External Reward #1

2008-01-13T12:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't decided on a system for rewards or anything like that, but I'm going to set a mini-reward for now:

I have been on target for 3 days (today will be day 4). When I get 14 days on target in a row, I can buy a new workout outfit.

If I don't have any set-backs, that will be Wednesday, January 23rd. Which coincidentally (and I figured this out after I did the math to find day 14, will be payday).

When I start new things I have a tendency to go crazy with the accessories, but if I put it off then I'll be more excited about getting them. And in two weeks they'll fit better.

Feeling Good

2008-01-12T16:52:00.000-05:00

Today I went on a 30 minute walk outside to enjoy this freakishly warm January we're having in the northeast. I havne't set specific workout goals because I'm afraid that they'll be easier to give up on than eating right. But I have been more active, and I'm trying to make sure that it stays that way.

I have felt so much better yesterday and today. I don't feel groggy or tired. My knees haven't been aching (they generally ache a teensy tiny bit). I don't feel winded after going up the stairs. Even though part of the goal is to lose weight, the other part is to feel good and have enough energy to do everything I need to do during a normal day. I have a stressful job where I walk around most of the day, and at the end of most days my feet ache. Ache like a mofo. I'd like for them to be fine at the end of the day. I've stopped wearing heels and I'm now wearing flats every day, but I also know part of it is that I don't exercise or eat right. So even if I stayed at 298.5 forever, this way of eating makes me feel better. That is exciting to know. For the future, when I feel discouraged or when my weight doesn't change, I'm still feeling better every day.

This is day 7, the end of 1 week of eating healthy. I've had 1 slip up, and five and a half awesome days. I'm learning a lot about healthy eating. After tonight, I'll have one week of my new lifestyle under my belt, and that will feel even better.

Grocery Shopping

2008-01-10T23:18:00.000-05:00

Had a big setback yesterday calorie-wise. I was good all day, then I went to dinner at a restaurant. I tried to order healthy, but I made the amatuer mistake of ordering a salad and not getting the dressing on the side. So I ended up at about 3000 calories. Yuck. I'm not beating myself up about it though...I can't change overnight. I will make mistakes. I just can't let them cause me to get depressed and make more on purpose.

Today I've been really good. I actually need to eat another 400 calories before bed to hit my target.

The major step today though was grocery shopping. I know a lot of people who go decide to eat healthy have to overcome all the junk they already own. I do not have this problem. I have been such a lazy person that I order out almost every day. The only food in my house before today was leftover take-out, a can of cranberries, and some pasta. I can easily avoid eating this without any guilt. The cranberries are from last year. I now have a fridge and pantry stocked with healthy stuff. Hopefully, the large stock will keep me going when I'm too lazy to want to eat right but too lazy to not eat what's avaliable. I bought a lot of stuff from recommendations on IateApie.com. I'm very excited.

Starting Weight

2008-01-08T10:37:00.000-05:00

Weight: 298.5

I did okay yesterday. 1971 calories total, although too many of them were from saturated fat and I didn't get enough protein. I want to eat between 2000 and 2200 so that I don't go overboard too quickly and then quit. I'm not going to stress about it though...right now is all about trying and seeing what works and learning what I should do. You can't reverse 23 years of terrible food decisions in two days.

I went to Target after work yesterday. I bought a scale and a bunch of better snacks to keep at work. I read weight loss blogs and sites written by normal people or health enthusiasts. I'm trying to stay away from any website created by a company.

I got my first sigh of relief this morning. When I got home last night, I weighed myself. 303 lbs. Oh my god, I have never weighed over 300 lbs. 300 lbs in that mark in my head where I'm not "a fat girl," but instead a human blimp. I know in my head that the difference betwen 298.5 and 303 lbs is not that much, but to me it was shocking. I had approximated 295 lbs, but I guess it's been a while since I was weighed. However, after reading a bunch of health articles that suggested doing you weigh-ins in the morning to avoid fluxuations from the day, I decided to give it another go. This morning, butt naked and freezing, I weighed 298.5 lbs. So that's the number I'm starting with. I'm not comfortable that I'm so close to 300 that I fluxuate over it, but I'll have to live with it until I work it off.

I really glad I decided to do this now. Working to make sure that I get healthy and lose weight will suck ass, but I'm glad that I made the decision now rather than showing up at the doctor's office and weighing 305 lbs and not realizing it until the nurse has to move over the BIG weight on the scale.

A Strange Way to Begin

2008-01-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

So I've been pondering trying to lose weight as my goal for 2008. I've been fat my whole life, but I've never seriously tried it. You know those people who say they've tried everything and nothing works? Well I am not one of those people. I have lived as hedonistically as possible since forever, and each year I seem to add one more bad habit. Well, I'm 23, and I'm sick of it. I need my private life to match the level of responsibility and health that my public life has. I need to get it together.

Today wasn't really about starting a weight loss plan, so much as getting all the numbers and research together so that I will be able to start: I started a Fit Day account and tracked my activities and calories for the day. I researched healthy eating plans, though I'm not sure what my actual plan of action will be.

Goal for tomorrow: 2000 calories. Buy a bathroom scale.